Isang taos-pusong pasasalamat...

I was aware that despite all the interviews I had to transcribe, the laws I had to analyze, the incidents I had to narrate, nothing is harder than writing the acknowledgments part of one's thesis.

To me, this page pretty much sums up the experience of writing the thesis: of late overnights with friends, of lending hands (full of money, of course!) in times of financial constraints, of conversations over coffee regarding the latest frustration with one's research.  There is a reason the thesis is the culminating requirement for every course--because it likewise culminates one's experience of four (or more) gruelling years in college.

So to those who have made it to the point of writing this page, kudos to all of you!  I had a blast writing this part, especially because it is one of the few parts in the thesis where emo-ness is at least tolerated (although the guidebook instructs me to keep it professional; since when have I been an avid fan of rules, anyway?!:P)  I ask indulgence to those whom I may have forgotten to say a word of thanks through this page; the guidebook was strict in saying that it should be kept to a page at best.  Nevertheless, to all those who've helped me with my thesis, I really, really appreciate it!

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

            This thesis would not have been possible without the available help and generous support of the following people:

            First, my parents who were very understanding of my late-night bouts with research and excessive requests for extra allowance.  Without their support I wouldn’t have survived writing this research.

            Second, to my dear Chururus, the group of friends who supported me with every endeavour:  Janina, Elsie, Bea, April, Celia, Agatha, Kam, Dyan, Jen and Dan, I shall never forget all our laughing trips and camwhore moments.  You made my last sem in college a truly remarkable one.  On to more smiles and long-hour trips!

            Third, to the two most beautiful girls in my life, IA and Elsie.  We might be seen as couples from time to time but we don’t care.  You two have become my sisters and life partners, mothers and companions, girlfriends and friends.  You have been everything to me, and I owe what I am now to you.  You have supported me all throughout my ordeals and breakups, scolded me when I was going astray but supported me whenever I break down.  I know it’s not possible to live forever so I’m simply hoping that this friendship is for life.  You two are for keeps!

            And lastly, to Sam Juan, to that one person who is actually the reason why I chose this topic for my thesis, thank you.  Thank you for breaking my heart at the most opportune time, for it made me stronger and helped me focus on things that I never knew were more important.  Many people are satisfied with dedicating their theses to their significant others, but I went the extra mile and made a topic out of the two things you and I are good at—I with blogging, and you with Law.  You will always be in my heart, no matter how painful that could be.

And here's what's written on my dedication page...

Ang sarap mag-emo sa thesis, grabe!!!  Baggage kung baggage lang!  =))

There's the Jaw-Dropping. And then there's the Charming.

We were peacefully working through our final requirements at Shakey's E.Rod yesterday when IA's harmonious existence was disturbed by a guy who suddenly passed by our table.  She gave this very weird look, much like her jaw dropping, while a finger carefully nudges her temples, signaling headache.

Anyway, I guess it's better seen than read.  So, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... the CHARMING POSE:

Noticing what IA herself noticed, Els decided to join in on the fun.



And of course, will I let myself be left out?  Hahaha.  Here's my failed attempt at the Charming Pose only IA could so wonderfully project:



Elsie was shocked by my tenacity to even attempt.



And then the guy left, so naturally, IA and Elsie were sad.  Oh well!



DISCLAIMER:  events portrayed in this blog post may or may not have happened in real life.  =P

Of things thrown in the air

THE RULES
a. Write something about 15 different people.
b. You can NOT say who they are.
c. If someone asks you which one is about them, you can NOT tell.
d. Tag 15 people who you think would do this, too. You don't have to tag the people you wrote about.

1. One time I thought I'm starting to have a crush on you. But no, I just feel very protective of you, that's all. I hope you don't take it any other way. You're like a sister to me.

2. You are my mother away from home. O sige na, sister na rin. Puwede ring girlfriend if the need arises. :P But you will always be my best friend, kebs kung 'yan nga ang turing natin sa isa't isa. Pwede ring Life Partner. Nyahahaha! Tara, pakasal na tayo. Chos.

3. I'd have to admit, I'm sad that we're not as close as we've been before, especially because *feelings* got in the way of our friendship. *sigh* This'd have to be one of my biggest regrets, but I still appreciate what we have right now.

4. Apparently, I'm still not over you. I may put up a front that I'm strong and happy but deep inside, it still hurts. Nevertheless, I'm prepared to take on the pain, because "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "love is a battlefield. Go get some scars." Or for a more jologs version, "you've made me stronger by breaking my heart." I'm tired pretending I'm okay when I'm really not, so I'm gonna let myself become the vulnerable one by admitting that I think of you from time to time and it makes me sad over and over again. ;-(

5. You've just proven that this friendship will last more than a lifetime. I know you left ahead of your scheduled time and it made me sad but please do know that I completely understand. This is it, I hope this is the beginning of your return to happiness. I love you. =)

6. Sometimes I wish I could be as blunt about it and push you hard enough to make you want to leave him, because he's not worth it. I understand that true love waits but it's one thing to wait for something you know is coming and another to look like a fool waiting for something you're not even sure is gonna come.

7. You make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me have butterflies in my stomach. But I'm not sure what this is, where this is going, or if it's going anywhere at all. Sigh, I don't know what to do about you... I'm afraid to cause harm on you or whatever. Nakakatakot kang prospect, sa totoo lang. And that's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.

8. I've given up on you. Maybe in another time and place... not in Facebook. :P

9. Alam mo, sayang ka. You could've been a great friend if you weren't so full of yourself. At ngayon, ewan ko na kung nasa'n ka o kung ano nang nangyari sa'yo. Tsk tsk tsk...

10. Oo, totoo ang issue sa isang Yahoo Groups kung sa'n member tayong dalawa, crush nga kita. HAHAHAHA. Okay? Pero duh, imposible naman. Nacu-cute-an lang ako sayo, yun lang. :p

11. Kahit natalo ka sa eleksyon, I'm super duper proud of you. Sana magkakwentuhan tayo ng life story soon, I'm sure you're a very interesting person, and I'm curious to know what's on your mind.

12. IKAW. Umamin ka na kasi! Alam ko namang mahal mo rin ang friend ko. At putangina mahal na mahal ka rin niya. Ewan ko kung manhid ka lang ba o ano, pero wala talaga akong alam. Maging kayo na kasi!

13. Alam ko madalas kitang inaasar at ikaw rin, madalas mo'kong inaalaska. Pero I want to give you a big, big hug right now, not only because napakalaki mo, but also because I know you need one right now. *BIG HUG*

14. Isa ka na yata sa mga pinaka-nagpatawa sa'kin sa loob ng tatlong buwan. Sayang nga lang at gagraduate na'ko... *sigh* Nevertheless, thanks for giving this lonely boy a big smile on his face whenever you crack a joke or criticize another person. :P

15. Ang hirap, hirap, hirap mong basahin. Pero sana maging close pa tayo. Although mukhang malabo. X-(

Question

One fateful night, while on the brink of sleeping, twisted comfortably on a sofa chair, the inevitable happened.  I was looking out a friend's window, trying to push myself off the cliff of sleep after a day filled with euphoria, when a sudden but relevant thought entered my mind.  I knew, at one point or another, I had to ask myself that question, but I simply didn't expect it to come at such a mundane time.

Tao ba o feeling?  I asked myself.  It was my one measuring stick in gauging my affections for a certain person.  If it's Tao, then this person is worth pursuing, because the mere essence of that person's being is the reason for all the butterflies I'm feeling in my stomach.  If it's Feeling, then at once I know that whatever we have is fleeting and shallow, because all that person makes me do is be happy about the feeling I feel when we're together, and not the whole embodiment of the other being.

Of course this little "test," if you may call it that, is not mutually exclusive.  Just because someone started out as a Feeling doesn't mean that she can't turn out to be a Tao after a while.  But this measure is useful for me, because I know, hard as it may to find a Tao out there, I know I'm never gonna be comfortable settling for someone who's a Feeling.  Sure, the kilig and the smiles and the happy crushes are fun, but I'm really not one to settle for anything that's short-term.  And feelings, as we all know, are bound to dissipate.  After the feelings have gone, what will remain?  The Tao, on the other hand, no matter what feelings you feel for her, will always remain there, as a Tao.  So long as she exists, the Tao in her will exist.  No matter what Feeling you feel, no matter how many times it has changed, gone, and come back again, the Tao in her would never change.

Of course, the real challenge is not really in determining if a person is a Tao or a Feeling.  Just spend a few days talking to that person and for sure, you'll know the answer right away.  What's harder, though, is finding a Tao, because you'd have to sift through all the Feelings in order to find the Tao.  And you know how hard tha can turn out to be.

So, this new "flame," you ask, is it a Tao or a Feeling?  Definitely a Feeling.  But, just as always, I'm not closing any doors.  =)

Centrum Complete Reprazehnt!

Dinekwat ko mula sa napakabait na bata na si Jobanbanban:

The Letter A
Are you available?: Now available!  Comes in three variants.  For dry hair, split ends, and damaged hair!  Bili na!
What is your age?: Twenny.  But but but, age is a social construct, keri.  I'm actually 13.
What annoys you?: Piattos that won't open.  >_<

The Letter B
Do you live in a big house?: Define big.  If big is bigger than a UP classroom, then our house is big, yeah.  If big means bigger than me, then DOH OUR HOUSE IS BIG.
When is your birthday?: July 29 somethinsomethin
Who is your best friend?: Haynako napakadiscriminatory ng tanong na'to.  *whispers* IAhh ahnd Ehlsieh!

The Letter C
What's your favorite candy?: Viva!  Do they still make these?  They come in orange wrappers, and they're colored brown.
Who's your crush?: YUNOH.  Sadly, I know a trick question when I see it.  :P
When was the last time you cried?: Kahapon lang.
 
The Letter D
Do you daydream?: Hmmm, tuwing umaga lang.  Bawal sa gabi eh.
What's your favorite kind of dog?: si behbeh ko lang!  Isa syang crossbreed ng poodle at lassa apso.  bow.
What day of the week is it?: Technically Thursday.  WOOT ALLITERATION

The Letter E
How do you like your eggs?: oval and white
Have you ever been in the emergency room?: Yeah, number of times.  But firsthand, only once, when I had influenza.
What's the easiest thing ever to do?: Sleeeeeeeeeepppp.  Except for Craig David.  'Cause he can't sleep 'til you're next to me.
 
The Letter F
Have you ever flown in a plane?: Yep, Just Once.  Can We Figure Out What We Keep Doing Wrong.
Do you use fly swatters?: Uso pa ba yun?  Ang uso na ata yung electric fly swatter.  So yes, the answer is no.  Ano daw?
Have you ever used a foghorn?: ummm.  what is a foghorn?

The Letter G
Do you chew gum?: Ano pa gusto mo gawin ko sa gum?
Are you a giver or a taker?: Hmmm, give or take--giver.
Do you like gummy candies?: YUH UH
 
The Letter H
How are you?: I think I'm okay.  I think.  Therefore I am.  I am okay.  YEAH!  Wassap yoah
What color is your hair?: Black.  I like Black.  Black is Cool.

The Letter I
What's your favorite ice cream?: Quezo lang, bebeh koh
Have you ever ice skated?: AYYYY.  Bakit may ganyang tanong dito?!  =))  Nope, never.  :P
Do you play an instrument?: I used to play the piano.  But sadly, I don't know how anymore.  I can only play Mary Had A Little Lamb.  Wanna hear?
 
The Letter J
What's your favorite jelly bean brand?: HMMMMM.  Teka checheck ko muna sa supermarket.
Do you wear jewelry?: Used to wear a ring.  But not anymore... :)
 
The Letter K
Who do you want to kill?: TIME
Do you want kids?: As in batang kambing?  EAAWWW
Where did you go for kindergarten?: Sa San Felipe Neri Parochial School.  BOW.
 
The Letter L
Are you laid back?: Hmmm.  Nakasandal naman ako ngayon, yeah.
Do you lie?: YEAH!  Especially pag matutulog na, sarap mag-lie! :P
 
The Letter M
Whats your favorite movie?: You Changed My Life bebeh koh! :))
Do you still watch Disney movies?: High School Musical!  YEAAAHHH
Do you like mangoes?: Favorite ko shang i-shake.  :)
 
The Letter N
Do you have a nickname?: Yes.
What is your real name?: John Mark Tuazon
Whats your favorite number?: 7
Do you prefer night over day?: Hmmm yeah, 'cause I get to sleep at night :P
 
The Letter O
What's your one wish?: to find Love.  Chos!  Hahaha.  To be who I'm supposed to be.  Naaaks, parang Camp Rock lang.  This is real, this is me, I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be! :P
Are you an only child?: Sometimese I wish I was.  CHOS!  Nope, we're a brood of three.

The Letter P
What one fear are you most paranoid about?: I'm brave.  I don't fear anything.  YOOON
What are your pet peeves?: Pretentious people
What's a personality trait you look for in people?: Sincerity.
 
The Letter Q

What's your favorite quote?: Ang hirap, ang hirap hirap.  (Curtis, 2008)
Are you quick to judge people?: I judge people, yes.  Ipokrito na lang ang magsasabing hindi.  But define quick.  :P
 
The Letter R
Do you think you're always right?: of course not!  Minsan naman left din ako noh :P
Are you the one to cry?: It depends on what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with.  AYYYY
 
The Letter S
Do you prefer sun or rain?: NEITHER.  Mas gusto ko ang hangin lang--steadyng steady! :P
Do you like snow?: How are you supposed to like something you've never even seen or experienced? (cue I knew I loved you before I met you...)
What's your favorite season?: UAAP Season!  Or pwede ring Christmas season.  :P
 
The Letter T
What time is it?: 2:05 am
What time did you wake up?: 10am ata
When was the last time you slept in a tent?: Hmmm.  Nung Geog Camp.  Can't remember na when.  :P
 
The Letter U
Are you wearing underwear?: SERIOUSLY
Underwear or boxers?: BUT boxers are underwears!  Is this a philosophical question?
 
The Letter V
What's the worst veggie?: AMPALAYAH ONLYYYY
Where do you want to go on vacation?: Londuhn!
 
The Letter W
What's your worst habit?: Biting my  nails
Where do you live?: Quezon City on Weekdays, Mandaluyong on Weekends.  Minsan New Manila rin on Friday and Saturday.  LOLz :P
What's your worst fear?: Of losing my sanity.  Wait.  What sanity? THE HOOORRROOORRRSSSS
 
The Letter X
Have you ever had an x-ray?: Onaman.
Have you seen the x-games?: Hmmmmm.  Lemme think about it.
Do you own a xylophone?: Nung bata pa'ko.
 
The Letter Y
Do you like the color yellow?: AY OO NAMAN :P
What's one thing you yearn for? I yearn to fall in love with thee, My Lord!  CHOS.  I yearn for... a more stable life, a more mature perspective, and a generous employer.  :P
 
The Letter Z
Whats your zodiac sign?: Leo
Do you believe in the zodiac?: AYNAKO OO HELLO ASTROLIS.COM!  :P

It's a Beautiful Day :)

This is the view from my seat at Starbucks Technohub this afternoon.  The sun high up in the sky, the majestic water fountain reaching for the blue-hued horizon, cool and calm music playing in the background, serenading every corner of my juvenile mind.

I could only heave a sigh.  This is such a beautiful day!  I slept for eight hours, I had no urgent worries for tomorrow, my classes weren't boring, and I'm doing my best to be productive.  It's a beautiful day!

Days like these should be made to last.  But we all know that's not possible, right?  Regardless, I'll enjoy this beautiful day no matter how short it takes.

I'm happy.  =)

Maipagpag Lang

Typical me, in-abandon na naman ang blog.  Chos!  Hahaha.  Habit na nga ata 'to, yung sisimulan ang bagay, tas di na itutuloy.  "Lahat na lang ng bagay hindi ko tinatapos (Cansino, 2009)."

Heeeemingway, tama na ang ma-modang intro.  Blog ko toh bakit ba, at choice ko kung ia-update ko sya o hindi.

Gusto ko lang magpagpag ng emosyon ngayon, largely due to the UP Streetdance Concert I watched last night.  The concert was entitled "Crossroads," and as such, parang 'dun nag-revolve ang buong show, sa pagiging nasa gitna ng mga bagay-bagay, coming-of-age, maturity, existentialist angst, ganyan.

Speaking of angst, hindi ko talaga nagustuhan ang angst ng mga bagay-bagay sa concert kagabi.  I mean, it's bad enough (for me) na nagmukhang Trumpets play yung show, 'tas ginatungan pa ng isang segment na kung sa'n walang ginawa ang mga nag-perform kundi maglabas ng angst sa mundo.

"Hindi nyo ko pinapansin kahit pagod na pagod na 'ko sa 'skwela!"

"Ginagawa ko naman lahat ng gusto nyo, pero wala pa rin."

"Pagod na pagod na'ko!  Ayoko na!"

"Kelan ba ko makakapamili ng landas na gusto ko?"

"Palagi na lang tayong nag-aaway, kelan ba 'to titigil?"

YES, ano, Streetdance concert po ang pinuntahan ko, mga kaibigan, bago tayo malito lahat.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against what UP Streetdance did with their concert last night, and alam ko naman na parang Christian org na rin ang labas ng Club ngayon.  Sige, pwedeng factor rin na medyo non-believer ang stage ko ngayon, kaya siguro medyo I was thrown off-center because of some segments.  Pero ito talagang portion na paglalabas ng angst, hindi ko kinaya.

Okay lang sana kung siguro mga apat o lima ang nagsalita.  BUT NOOOO, lahat ata sila naglabas ng angst.  May mga umiiyak pa.  Mga trenta ata silang ganun, as in puro angst lang.  Again, don't get me wrong, alam kong lahat tayo may angst sa buhay, alam kong kailangan rin yan ng release.  Pero a streetdance concert?  Given, umaayon sya sa theme, pero hindi tamang venue!  Aaminin ko, na-turn off rin ako kasi alam kong angst ko rin yung mga pinagsasasabi nila, pero a Streetdance concert?  I certainly did not expect that, kaya ako ganito ka-disappointed ngayon.

Isa kasi sa mga natutunan ko sa counselling before is never to open any issues na hindi mo kayang isara.  Kung may taong nag-o-open-up sayo, or kung may gusto kang kausapin na tao about something, make sure that when you can open the can of worms you can close it too.  Provide resolutions, try to solve the problem, or at least make sense of all the angst.  BUT NOOOO, ito, walang resolution.  Parang distraction lang yung next few segments, pero hindi naman talaga na-resolve.  Ano lang ang in-offer? "When I joined Streetdance Club, nagbago ang buhay ko, naniwala ako sa Kanya."  Parang... WTH?!  O, yung mga angst, pano na?  Lingering na lang, ganon?

The whole show tuloy, sirang sira ang utak ko.  As in, ang sakit nya sa ulo.  Hindi na'ko naka-concentrate masyado sa kagalingan ng Streetdance na sumayaw.  Parang, every segment hinihintay ko na lang na i-close sana nila yung issues na yon.  Sobrang nega kasi eh!  Hindi magandang feeling sa audience.  I mean, fine, production nila yun, bahala sila kung anong gusto nilang gawin.  Pero you have an audience kasi eh, kung sila-sila lang yun keri lang.  Kung alam sana namin na may ganun, edi sana na-expect namin kahti papano, nakapag-adjust kami ng schema.  But nooo, gulatan ito 'te, ang hirap.  Ang hirap hirap (Curtis, 2008).

'Yun lang naman.  Naglalabas lang din ng angst.  And to close this issue, nais kong i-congratulate ang UP Streetdance for a job well done!  Kaya nyo namang ipalaganap sa mundo na mahal nyo ang diyos without being too explicit like that.  For all we know, there could be people of other religion sa audience, pano na sila?  Yun lang naman.  Alam kong hindi nyo responsibility ang i-account lahat ng audience, pero sana may effort man lang.  Medyo nakaka-alienate ang panonood nang ganon.  Yun lang po.

*Pasensya na po sa angst.  Again, I have nothing against UP Streetdance, show nila 'yun.  This is just a mere personal reaction as an audience member.  K?